Last year I promised, and failed, to write more personal posts. But to be honest, my heart wasn’t quite ready to be shared. If you need a reminder as to where my heart was a year ago start with this post.

Okay, are we on the same page now?

Writing that post was such a vulnerable moment for me. I was pushing through a really dark time, fighting to be and feel like me again. I was bitter, broken, and angry. I was hiding my pain behind nights of too many cocktails. I was searching for acceptance in every right swipe on dating apps (even though I was not in the right space for dating). I was even rejecting some of my morals and values. I felt that if God couldn’t be where I needed Him when I needed Him, then why should I continue to be what He asked of me. I was angry and bitter, and that was overtaking every part of me. Church was something I forced and praying felt like I was talking to air. It had been so long since I had actually felt God’s presence, that I was certain He’d not only forgotten me but that He’d become embarrassed and ashamed of me.

So when my mom asked me if I wanted to go to Israel, it was honestly the travel loving side of me that said yes. And somewhere hiding in the depth of my heart was a tiny piece of me praying this would be the moment God would meet me where I am. If only but the tiniest bit, my heart was open to being healed in Israel.

A couple weeks before I left, my work load became overwhelmingly stressful. My cousin who was supposed to room with me during the trip could no longer go, and now I was going to have to room with a stranger. To be honest, I wanted to bail. I wanted to cut my losses, and find out how much money I could get back. But again the travel loving, adventurer in me pursued. And that tiny sliver in my heart, hoped that healing would come.

It’s funny how God works, I arrived in Israel and I know God was smiling. Honestly, probably laughing. He knew. He knew He was about to change my perspective and put my broken pieces back together. I believe it was the second full day in Israel that we went to the River Jordan to be baptized and I prayed to God this would be it. As I stood waiting I prayed… I NEED YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. I need you to tell me I’m not forgotten. I need to feel You again. I need to know You are still here. I NEED to know that you see me. Looking at the Jordan River and knowing that Jesus was baptized in that very water, immediately I started to feel my cold, hard heart soften. Tears started to fill my eyes. This girl who stopping feeling and caring, was starting to feel again. Something happened when my Uncle baptized me that day. I came up a new person. It was like I left that hurt, broken, bitter girl under the water. I can’t explain it, but God met me where I was and I let go.

From that moment on, He continued to show Himself to me. Throughout the entire trip, I continually heard him. I could walk on water but you think I can’t give you the desires of your heart? David, a man who had an affair, was a man after my own heart and you think I can’t love you through your sins? It was as though He was affirming every single one of my silent prayers. Because the Lord knows my love language is words of affirmation, He didn’t stop there. One of the last nights a Christian Muslim pastor came to talk to our group. My roommate, oh yeah – did I mention the stranger that I was DREADING rooming with actually became a close friends that I still talk to weekly? LOL cute, Lord. Anyway, my roommate needed to go to downtown Jerusalem to pick up a gift for her brother-in-law so we didn’t make it to hear the pastor speak. It “just so happened” that we got back to the hotel as his sermon was closing and he was praying over everyone. He started to pray over my grandma and this is roughly how it transgressed…

You’re a prayer warrior for your grandchildren. In fact, is one of your grandchildren here? Yes she is. Where is she? I need to talk to her. She’s hiding. She’s hiding because she’s broken.

*Mom texts me to come down immediately*

I walk in a bit surprised but also slightly expecting this man to air all my dirty laundry. And this is what he says to me…

I’ve been waiting for you! The Lord brought you here. He wants you to know He loves you. He has not forgotten you. What’s broken, He’s fixing. The pieces of your broken Heart, He’s breathing life into. You are a diamond in His eyes. He’s going to bring you a husband that Loves the Lord. You’re learning. What you’re learning, are not easy lessons. The Lord is making you strong. Things are going to shift and change in your life, and you’re going to be married.

This prayer is incredibly private for me, but I’m sharing because of this reason. This prayer touched on the every personal and private cry that I’ve said only to God. During my silent prayers when I felt that I was talking to air, I told God nearly 100 times that I felt forgotten. That I felt He’s over looked my heart’s desire to be married. I’ve prayed for years for Him to heal my brokenness. My heart felt failure that I fell weak and He must be so ashamed. So to hear I’m a diamond in His eyes and He knows the challenges He laid before me weren’t easy, that alone brought me to my knees. When he said the words “you are not forgotten”, I knew it was God’s way of telling me that He hears EVERY SINGLE WORD.

To top it all off. For the past three years, I’ve been battling with Hypothyroidism and Hashimottos. I’ve felt exhaustion beyond belief, my body was gaining weight and I just didn’t feel myself. In the past six months I met an amazing doctor who has literally been a God send, and this in no way takes away from her amazing care. While I was in Israel I was nervous with my energy issues that I wouldn’t be able to handle the long days, but God pushed me through. While I was there my thyroid was prayed over, and this is from a recent email that I received from my doctor after the trip…

“… your thyroid is not attacking itself as much and is actually healing and reversing the autoimmune condition. By conventional medicine standards this is nearly unheard of.”

So let me tell you, if you’re coming from a place of brokenness like me. Maybe you’re wondering where is God. If He has forgotten you. You don’t need a moment in Israel. You need a moment where you’re willing to put aside your hurt, your pain, your bitterness and meet Him where you are. It’s hard to remember in the midst of disappointment that He has a plan. Trust me, I know. But at the end of the day, God will show Himself to us if we stop for a moment and allow Him to be seen.

I still have moments of doubt, weakness and failure. But this trip truly changed my life because I was willing to open up a very broken heart to be healed. I’ve since even got a tattoo of the longitude and latitude coordinates of the Western Wall on my arm. So in every moment of doubt and weakness, I’m forever reminded of the time God took my dirty, broken pieces and put them back together.

Comment below or email me if I can pray for you.

Coming soon will a post all about my adventures in Israel!