Last year I promised, and failed, to write more personal posts. But to be honest, my heart wasn’t quite ready to be shared. If you need a reminder as to where my heart was a year ago start with this post.
Okay, are we on the same page now?
Writing that post was such a vulnerable moment for me. I was pushing through a really dark time, fighting to be and feel like me again. I was bitter, broken, and angry. I was hiding my pain behind nights of too many cocktails. I was searching for acceptance in every right swipe on dating apps (even though I was not in the right space for dating). I was even rejecting some of my morals and values. I felt that if God couldn’t be where I needed Him when I needed Him, then why should I continue to be what He asked of me. I was angry and bitter, and that was overtaking every part of me. Church was something I forced and praying felt like I was talking to air. It had been so long since I had actually felt God’s presence, that I was certain He’d not only forgotten me but that He’d become embarrassed and ashamed of me.
So when my mom asked me if I wanted to go to Israel, it was honestly the travel loving side of me that said yes. And somewhere hiding in the depth of my heart was a tiny piece of me praying this would be the moment God would meet me where I am. If only but the tiniest bit, my heart was open to being healed in Israel.
A couple weeks before I left, my work load became overwhelmingly stressful. My cousin who was supposed to room with me during the trip could no longer go, and now I was going to have to room with a stranger. To be honest, I wanted to bail. I wanted to cut my losses, and find out how much money I could get back. But again the travel loving, adventurer in me pursued. And that tiny sliver in my heart, hoped that healing would come.
It’s funny how God works, I arrived in Israel and I know God was smiling. Honestly, probably laughing. He knew. He knew He was about to change my perspective and put my broken pieces back together. I believe it was the second full day in Israel that we went to the River Jordan to be baptized and I prayed to God this would be it. As I stood waiting I prayed… I NEED YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW. I need you to tell me I’m not forgotten. I need to feel You again. I need to know You are still here. I NEED to know that you see me. Looking at the Jordan River and knowing that Jesus was baptized in that very water, immediately I started to feel my cold, hard heart soften. Tears started to fill my eyes. This girl who stopping feeling and caring, was starting to feel again. Something happened when my Uncle baptized me that day. I came up a new person. It was like I left that hurt, broken, bitter girl under the water. I can’t explain it, but God met me where I was and I let go.
From that moment on, He continued to show Himself to me. Throughout the entire trip, I continually heard him. I could walk on water but you think I can’t give you the desires of your heart? David, a man who had an affair, was a man after my own heart and you think I can’t love you through your sins? It was as though He was affirming every single one of my silent prayers. Because the Lord knows my love language is words of affirmation, He didn’t stop there. One of the last nights a Christian Muslim pastor came to talk to our group. My roommate, oh yeah – did I mention the stranger that I was DREADING rooming with actually became a close friends that I still talk to weekly? LOL cute, Lord. Anyway, my roommate needed to go to downtown Jerusalem to pick up a gift for her brother-in-law so we didn’t make it to hear the pastor speak. It “just so happened” that we got back to the hotel as his sermon was closing and he was praying over everyone. He started to pray over my grandma and this is roughly how it transgressed…
You’re a prayer warrior for your grandchildren. In fact, is one of your grandchildren here? Yes she is. Where is she? I need to talk to her. She’s hiding. She’s hiding because she’s broken.
*Mom texts me to come down immediately*
I walk in a bit surprised but also slightly expecting this man to air all my dirty laundry. And this is what he says to me…
I’ve been waiting for you! The Lord brought you here. He wants you to know He loves you. He has not forgotten you. What’s broken, He’s fixing. The pieces of your broken Heart, He’s breathing life into. You are a diamond in His eyes. He’s going to bring you a husband that Loves the Lord. You’re learning. What you’re learning, are not easy lessons. The Lord is making you strong. Things are going to shift and change in your life, and you’re going to be married.
This prayer is incredibly private for me, but I’m sharing because of this reason. This prayer touched on the every personal and private cry that I’ve said only to God. During my silent prayers when I felt that I was talking to air, I told God nearly 100 times that I felt forgotten. That I felt He’s over looked my heart’s desire to be married. I’ve prayed for years for Him to heal my brokenness. My heart felt failure that I fell weak and He must be so ashamed. So to hear I’m a diamond in His eyes and He knows the challenges He laid before me weren’t easy, that alone brought me to my knees. When he said the words “you are not forgotten”, I knew it was God’s way of telling me that He hears EVERY SINGLE WORD.
To top it all off. For the past three years, I’ve been battling with Hypothyroidism and Hashimottos. I’ve felt exhaustion beyond belief, my body was gaining weight and I just didn’t feel myself. In the past six months I met an amazing doctor who has literally been a God send, and this in no way takes away from her amazing care. While I was in Israel I was nervous with my energy issues that I wouldn’t be able to handle the long days, but God pushed me through. While I was there my thyroid was prayed over, and this is from a recent email that I received from my doctor after the trip…
“… your thyroid is not attacking itself as much and is actually healing and reversing the autoimmune condition. By conventional medicine standards this is nearly unheard of.”
So let me tell you, if you’re coming from a place of brokenness like me. Maybe you’re wondering where is God. If He has forgotten you. You don’t need a moment in Israel. You need a moment where you’re willing to put aside your hurt, your pain, your bitterness and meet Him where you are. It’s hard to remember in the midst of disappointment that He has a plan. Trust me, I know. But at the end of the day, God will show Himself to us if we stop for a moment and allow Him to be seen.
I still have moments of doubt, weakness and failure. But this trip truly changed my life because I was willing to open up a very broken heart to be healed. I’ve since even got a tattoo of the longitude and latitude coordinates of the Western Wall on my arm. So in every moment of doubt and weakness, I’m forever reminded of the time God took my dirty, broken pieces and put them back together.
Comment below or email me if I can pray for you.
Coming soon will a post all about my adventures in Israel!
Love this. And you. 💗
Thanks, Meg! Love you 🙂
I love you. I’m so proud of you that you let your heart become open and we’re truly changed on this trip. I’m looking forward to seeing how much more blessed you become. 🌟 Thank you for sharing your experience on this trip & for being open & vulnerable, especially to God’s plan. 💓
Thank you friend! And thank for reading a little bit of my heart. 🙂
This just gave me chills. Just tonight as I was struggling to go through the motions at bedtime with my kids I prayed that God would help me feel joy again. I too have been feeling forgotten. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. Ironically I too have thyroid issues. My thyroid was removed 4 years ago. I’ve been battling migraines lately and today was day 3 of one. I have no doubt that opening my phone and watching your story tonight was a little nudge that I needed from God and for that I am thankful.
Girl, I’ll be praying for you! Life isn’t easy, but it’s so important to know that you haven’t been forgotten. Even in the silence, He is there working on something for you.
Ashley I am so happy for you. God loves you and will continue to guide you and make you whole again. We can be so impatient at times but we need to remember all will come in his time because he knows just what we need and when we need it. My daughter and her husband just returned from a trip to Israel last week; was life changing. Love and miss you beautiful lady. I will be praying for your continued journey.
Thank you, Deana!! You are so right, we need to remember His timing. Love & miss you too!
Oh Ashley.. I love everything about this post. I love how vulnerable you are being and sharing your journey with your audience. I am grateful for you finding peace in your trip. That prayer.. between the priest and your grandmother is beyond words. I’m so excited for the future of your spiritual journey ❤️
Thank you so much friend! Being vulnerable isn’t a strength for me, but sharing my story was such a moment of freedom. I love you!
Ashley, I am not the best with my words so it is truly not easy for me to describe how reading this made me feel. I am so Overwhelmingly happy that you are healing and where you need to be in life. I know this was a tough on to share from a previous convo we had, but I’m so glad you did!
Thank you friend! You are the greatest. I can’t express how much your friendship means to me. Thanks for always being there for me. Love you friend!
Got a spray tan nearly 6 hrs ago (haven’t showered)…hypothesis after reading: white lines down my face. Thank you so much for sharing♡ one of the biggest qualities I look for and appreciate in people is authenticity. Your openness in these past 2 posts; especially this most recent, was encouraging and more importantly to me, it was something I wonder if God thinks of me as I have gone thru some tough moments/battles in my life. You are right..going back to Him and opening up to trusting Him again is the toughest. So good to see where you are now and the good that has come to you♡
Girl, I hope your spray tan turned out okay!! 🙂 Thank you for the encouragement of sharing my story, that means so much to me! It is so true, when we go through certain phases of life we wonder if He’s just “busy” with someone else. But He’s always there. I pray that He continually shows himself to you! <3
Got a spray tan nearly 6 hrs ago (haven’t showered)…hypothesis after reading: white lines down my face. Thank you so much for sharing♡ one of the biggest qualities I look for and appreciate in people is authenticity. Your openness in these past 2 posts; especially this most recent, was encouraging and more importantly to me, it was something I wonder if God thinks of me as I have gone thru some tough moments/battles in my life. You are right..going back to Him and opening up to trusting Him again is the toughest. So good to see where you are now and the good that has come to you♡
Girl, I hope your spray tan survived!!! Thank you for reading a little bit of my heart! You are so right, we have to go back to him and open up. Thanks for sharing that all, I really means a lot!
Miss you Ashley! I love this lost. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable. You’ve definitely got a special talent. Don’t ever stop sharing your story. You’re amazing girl!!!!
Thank you, Amanda! I really appreciate that encouragement and reassurance in sharing my story. I so appreciate you! Miss you too!
Wow. That gave me chills and helped me to realize how far I have pushed God away. Thank you for sharing.
Lean not unto thy own understanding. Acknowledge him in all ways and he shall direct thy paths.
My confirmation verse that I need to be reacquainted with.
I love that verse! Thank you for sharing, Steve! It took me looking back to realize how far I’d pushed God and everyone away. Miss you friend!
I needed this. I needed all of this. Thank you for sharing such personal experiences.
I’m so glad that my story could help you in whatever you’re going through. I pray that whatever it is, God gives you your “Israel moment”. Thank you this comment, it really means so much!
So beautifully shared. We’ve all been there. Thanks for sharing your story just as your momma has been willing to share hers. .God is using you both in beautiful and amazing ways! I am so excited for what He has in store for you just as I was excited to see your Mom’s story unfold.
Thank you so much! It is a nice reminder, in a strange way, that we’ve all been there. Sometimes you feel like you’re the only Christian failing. Mom is an amazing woman, and definitely so is her story!
This truly touched my heart and I’m tears. Thank you for sharing your journey in hopes that helps others, it surely helped me. A song I had it my wedding makes me think of you a part of the lyric was “When God made you He must’ve been thinking about me.” Some guy is so blessed to be hand picked by God to have the honor to love you. Thank you for sharing your journey. Not sure if you remember me we worked together at MS Companies.:)
Helen!! Of course I remember you. 🙂 I completely forgot about that song, I love it so much! Thank you for that reminder, I use to listen to is on repeat. Thank you for reading my story, it really means so much!
Thank you for sharing your story with all the raw and painful pieces! Your post is exactly what I needed to read and hear! We are enough! And God will never forget us! Oh to be back at IWU and have our late night chats! Thanks again for sharing!! XoXo 💜💙
Melissa!! Oh how I miss you and our late night chats. Amen to us being enough! Thank you for reading my story, I can’t express how much it means to me.
Who was your guide in Israel? What company did you use?
I went through my Uncle’s Church! They hired the guide. If you’re interested in getting in touch with him, send me an email and I’ll connect you! ashley@fashionatelyme.com
Ashley,
You brought a tear to my eye. God Bless you for sharing. As I read your story, I kept hearing the song below in my head. Take a listen to it sometime if your heart ever gets low. Jesus is there to heal us!
The Potters House
Tramaine Hawkins
In case you have fallen by the wayside of life
Dreams and visions shattered, you’re all broken inside
You don’t have to stay in the shape that you’re in
The potter wants to put you back together again
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again
In case your situation has turned upside down
And all that you’ve accomplished, is now on the ground
You don’t have to stay in the shape that you’re in
The potter wants to put you back together again
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again
You who are broken, stop by the potter’s house
You who need mending, stop by the potter’s house
Give Him the fragments of your broken life
My friend, the potter wants to put you back together again
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again
You who are broken, stop by (wont’t you stop on by?) the potter’s house (stop on by the potter’s house)
You who need mending (if your heart needs mending, come on by) stop by the potter’s house (the potter’s house)
Give Him the fragments of your broken life
My friend, the potter wants to put you back together again (how many of you believe that?)
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again (one more time, come on)
You who are broken, stop by (stop on by) the potter’s house (the potter’s house)
You who need mending, stop by the potter’s house (if your broken heart needs mending, stop on by Jesus’ house)
Give Him the fragments of your broken life
My friend, the potter wants to put you back together again
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again
Joy in the potter’s house (he’ll give you joy, yes he will) joy in the potter’s house
love in the potter’s house
love in the potter’s house
there is salvation in the potter’s house
There is healing in the potter’s house
You’ll find everything you need in the potter’s house
You’ll find everything you need in the potter’s house
You’ll find everything you need in the potter’s house
You’ll find everything you need in the potter’s house
Because the potter wants to put you back together again
Oh, the potter wants to put you back together again
Songwriters: Varn McKay
The Potters House lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group
Thank you, Sue!! I will definitely listen to it, 🙂