Being single these days can be quite the challenge. For starters, I often wear a fake wedding ring on my right hand so I can switch it over to my left in “emergency” situations. Secondly, it’s slightly flattering, yet also incredibly degrading when you get the standard “cat call”. I mean seriously guys, what girl jumped on your lap when you yelled “hey there fine thing, that’s a nice booty you got”? (Gosh, I wish I made that up) Since I can laugh at my dating life, you should too. Below are my top three favorite First Date Moments. Side note: I’m no longer friends with any of these guys, so I can make fun of them all I want.
#3. The male chauvinist. A couple years ago I went on a date with an Engineer from UPS (sadly, I can’t remember his name). When I arrived at the date UPS was about 20 pounds skinnier than the photo I was given, I instantly convinced myself he must have just gotten over the stomach flu. Awwe… Poor guy! We went through all the basic first date questions: family… friends… blah blah… then we got to job. This is when I wished he WAS infected with the stomach flu! That’s not true, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, well, except myself so I could lose those last 10 pounds. UPS started telling me about his job and when I asked him to explain in a little more detail, other than he makes UPS ship faster, he told me, “I doubt you’d understand”. Um… Did you just call me dumb? I told myself to calm down, after all he was just getting over the stomach flu. So I regrouped, picked my jaw up off the table and told him about my job. (side note: I LOVE my job) His response, “oh huh… that’s okay.” Um… Did you just call me dumb AGAIN? The best part about this guy, he had the audacity to text me and ask me out for a second time. I told him no, I had the “stomach flu” this time.
#2. The over sharer. This date had no problem talking, in fact he couldn’t stop talking. We ended up “grabbing a drink” for four hours, yes four hours. What did I learn about Tommy Talker? #1. His debt was giving our National Debt a run for it’s money. #2. He doesn’t like Saw movies because the only time he wants to watch someone chained is ME in the bedroom. Seriously? #3. He didn’t intend on sleeping with me until the second date. Huh… Did you miss the part where I’m a Virgin?
#1. Mr. Awkward. He and I ended up being the last people to leave the restaurant and that’s no exaggeration – I’m talking chairs on the table and our waiter had politely asked 17 times what else she could do for us. Awkward. We finally made it outside and he went to shake my hand. Awkward. So I jokingly said, “how about a hug?” This is where I went wrong. He took the offer and hugged me, then proceeded to PICK ME UP, put me down and then giggled while skipping to his car. Okay, I exaggerated on the skipping part but this legitimately happened. Was this a weight check and did I pass? Did I just get bear hugged? Awkward. Just awkward.