I don’t like dating, at least until the third date. By then, you’ve gone through most of the awkward questions and you can talk more about your day, less about your feelings. I rarely spill my feelings and now I’m supposed to tell a guy on the second date why the only time I cry is during Biggest Loser?? Since I can’t avoid dating forever, I’d like every man in the world to read to these dating tips based on mine (and my friends) awesome dating experiences.
1. Be Blunt. Don’t say, “When you’re free, maybe we could grab dinner or something.”. Awesome, so girls like me (who have a numbing fear of first dates) are never going to be free. And what is something?? If I have to fill in the blanks I’m going to assume you want me to test the firmness of your mattress. So no. And maybe? Are you asking me to “do something” or not. My crazy women mind is about to explode.
2. Be careful, we’re stalking you. Yes, we creep your social media; but, don’t pretend like you’re not looking at ours! That being said, on your public profile page, that my grandma could view, I don’t want to see the following words: drunk, hungover, strippers, blackout, strange panties in my bed or any curse words. I mean seriously, if you put that out for the world to see, including your employer, then I don’t even want to imagine what you do in private.
3. Be a gentleman. Seriously, do you not have a mom, grandpa, friend, country radio station or Ryan Gosling in your life? Pay for dinner (and calm a girls nerves by telling her in advance), open doors, pick us up, walk to our front door do NOT text us that you’re waiting for us in the driveway and be nice to the waitress (don’t stare at her butt).
4. Ask questions! Sometimes dates feel like I’m giving an interview. I can only think of so many questions before it starts to get weird and I ask what color is an albino dolphin. (Pink, the answer is pink).
So that’s it gentleman, four easy tips to MAYBE get you to date two. It isn’t that hard to be confident and assertive, yet kind and respectful. Oh use full sentences, remember what nouns and verbs are?
Disclaimer: I actually did not survey every girl in America so my advice is skewed to what my friends and I believe to be true. Until I find a guy who can entertain me through a first date, I’ll just continue going to Justin Bieber concerts with my friends.